


And Please Welcome... Richie Tozier

by pensomolto



Series: Talk Show Tozier [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedian Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, Fix-It, Interviews, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Talk Shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-24 19:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20711240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pensomolto/pseuds/pensomolto
Summary: "So yeah, I had my Eminem moment as I too was ‘Cleanin' Out My Closet’ – with less mommy-issues and more identity issues.“Now, I don’t know how many of you studied English Lit. But, there’s this thing called subtext. Can I get a cheer for English Lit?."I won’t bore you though. There’s other devices such as symbolism and allusion and whatever else – I can’t remember. Anyway, there’s a reason why I’ve decided to address the wardrobe problem – or the closet crisis as my boyfriend likes to call it”***Richie and Eddie’s relationship told through the whirlwind of Richie's 2019 press tour.





	And Please Welcome... Richie Tozier

**Author's Note:**

> The hours and hours of talk show interviews I have consumed over the years have led to this moment... enjoy!
> 
> And also, when I mean everybody lives... everybody lives EXCEPT stinky Pennywise.

FEBRUARY

“My first guest tonight is an acclaimed comedian, known more recently for their comedy comeback, and who had also been dubbed as the internet’s newest boyfriend!”, says Stephen Colbert.

Richie is still standing in the green room, uncapping a bottle of water with shaking hands. This is his first appearance after the release of his comeback comedy special – of which he still can’t believe that people had actually like it enough to create a revival for his career. After downing half the water bottle, Richie sets it down and prepares himself for the walk out.

He sees the small television on the wall change into a segment from his comedy special and he averts his eyes; he never likes to watch his own work.

_[Audience laughter]_

_“Thank you, thank you. You know, all this applause is getting to my head. I’m beginning to almost feel like your unhinged uncle who always rocks up to the family gathering in the same fading Hawaiian shirt. Next thing you’ll see ‘Richie Tozier Wears Same Outfit Multiple Times In A Row’ trending on Twitter. [Slowly turns head and looks at audience]. Oh wait, that has already happened”._

_[Light audience laughter]_

_“Yeah, I saw that. Do you know the amount of stress that put me under? I had to go through the clothes in my closet and try to remember what year I bought them in. Although, I must give credit where it is due. While Twitter may have broadcasted my wardrobe problem to the world, it is Tumblr who has slaved away; the URL letsbuyrichietoziersomenewclothes really pioneering my insecurity since day one. So yeah, I had my Eminem moment as I too was ‘Cleanin' Out My Closet’ – with less mommy-issues and more identity issues”._

_[Laughter]._

_“Now, I don’t know how many of you studied English Lit. But, there’s this thing called subtext. [Richie walks over to stool placed centre stage]. Can I get a cheer for English Lit?”._

_[Scattered cheer]._

_“Hahaha, fuck yeah. I won’t bore you though. There’s other devices such as symbolism and allusion and whatever else – I can’t remember. Anyway, there’s a reason why I’ve decided to address the wardrobe problem – or the closet crisis as my boyfriend likes to call it”. [Richie shrugs and take a sip of water]._

_[Beat of silence from audience, then loud cheer from audience]._

_“I bet you didn’t see that coming. I’m the worst dressed gay, and not even letsbuyrichietoziersomenewclothes on Tumblr can take that away from me”._

_[Audience continues to cheer]._

An assistant approaches him and tell him that it’s time to walk on set.

Colbert continues with a chuckle, “please welcome, Richie Tozier!”.

Richie takes a deep breath in and makes his way out. He’s done it before – had interviews filmed on talk shows in front of live studio audiences, but that was before going back to Derry, and seeing the gang again, and remembering, and nearly dying, and surviving, and getting together with Eddie, and all that other jazz that followed. But now, doing an interview like this feels too different. It reminds him of something his therapist said: it’s hard being honest and vulnerable to others after pretending to be someone else for so long. Boy, was that a fun day.

Anyway, while the clamminess of his hands, and the sweat on the back of his neck was new, the heat of the lights, the grogginess of the makeup, and the constriction of his clothing is somewhat familiar, so Richie tries to find comfort in it.

Muscle memory allows Richie to walk and wave and smile at the audience while also greeting Stephen with one of his smoothest handshakes yet. After that, the steps to the couch are nothing. And soon he’s sitting down and crossing his legs while the cheers of the audience die down.

“Wow, I didn’t know I was the internet’s boyfriend. Oh my god”, says Richie, pushing up his glasses while trying to catch a glimpse of himself on one the other monitors.

Stephen chuckles, “well, I’m glad I’ve informed you”. The cheers of the audience die down. “We’re glad to have you on the show for the first time”.

Richie settles, and faces Stephen, “yeah, I’m glad to be here. It’s my first time on a show for a while actually”.

The audience cheers some more.

“Since before the special?”, Stephen asks.

“Yeah, since the special”.

“Well, were extra glad to have you here. And congratulations…”. Stephen expertly pauses for the audience to show their support. “For everything. Did you know, that when you were writing it, that it would be revolutionary?”.

Richie settles for the beat and lets what Stephen has says sink in. “Ha, thanks man. Um, no, definitely not. In fact, I find your wording funny”. He laughs a little. “It actually is the only one of my routines that I’ve written myself”. He laughs some more. “Yeah ahahaha, I guess once you come out, you unlock the talented part of yourself”.

Stephen laughs and audience does too.

“You definitely are talented”, Stephen bounces off what Richie says. “How did writing the special go? Was there lots of planning on your part, and did you anticipate the response?”.

Internally, Richie tries not to deflect too much of the praise that Stephen has given him – another thing his therapist has told him to work on. “Um, so basically I guess you could say that I had a moment or two of self-discovery, and I realised at I needed to ‘live my truth’ as the kids say-”.

The audience laughs.

“And yeah, I was like, I abandoned my last tour and disappeared for a bit, so I guess there should be a bit of an explanation…”, Richie trails off for a second. “Also, I was reunited with my childhood best friends, and am now dating one of them”. The volume of the cheer that the audience gives shocks Richie for the moment, and he laughs. “Oh my God, this is going to give him such a big ego”.

The cheers turn into laughs.

“Please, he’s insufferable already”, Richie pleads.

Stephen chuckles again and turns to the audience. “Richie doesn’t know about this, but through his childhood friend, horror author Bill Denbrough, we were able to get a photo of him and his childhood friends”.

Richie’s eyes widen for a moment, before he bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, what an asshole”. He laughs more to himself as he imagines Eddie’s reaction back home when he watches the show air.

Stephen reaches next to him and shows one of the cameras a blown-up photo of Richie and the gang. Richie adjusts his glasses again and takes a second to look at the photo himself. It was photo definitely taken in 1989. Everyone is there, which confuses Richie as to how the photo was. They’re all in the clubhouse, with Richie and Eddie piled into the hammock as they tended to always be, with Ben, Bev, and Bill standing to their left, and Stan and Mike standing to their right. What really gets Richie is how happy everyone looks – everyone’s eyes crinkling, and their smiles all teeth.

The crowd coos.

“I must say”, Stephen begins, “I can definitely tell which one is you”. He points to the thick framed glasses.

“As you can see, I got all the ladies”, Richie jokes.

There are a couple seconds of silence as Stephen lets the audience study the photo. “This is also information from Bill, so blame him not me, but it is to my understanding that your friendship group had a name, right?”.

“Hahaha”, Richie says, and he slaps his knee. “This is too good”. He laughs some more. “We called ourselves the Losers”.

The crowd laughs, and Stephen smiles and shakes his head.

“Let me guess, you were the most popular?”.

“Yeah, yeah, exactly”, Richie jokes. He smiles fondly as he continues to look at him and Eddie in the hammock. “I think we’re about like fifteen here. Which yeah”, he laughs, “we were all definitely at our peaks”. Richie continues and clears his throat, “not sure if you guys can see, but my boyfriend had a tendency the flirt with me by kicking me in the face”. He extended to point at Eddie’s white sock midway through the action of taking Richie’s glasses off his head.

The crowd coos again and Richie rolls his eyes fondly.

“Guys I’m serious, his ego is big enough”.

“Is Eddie here with us tonight?”, Stephen asks, even though Richie knows that he knows the answer.

“Sadly no”, Richie says. “He has a real job”.

The crowd, Stephen, and Richie all laugh. Richie finds himself relaxing more, and finishes the interview.

***

APRIL

It was the commercial break. Richie has just finished his stint where the host went over his most recent achievements: his nomination, his comeback, his coming out. (He neglected to mention that there was the whole supernatural element of his life, and that he’s been terrorised by a literal psycho-clown twice in his life; the first encounter causing a case of amnesia, but that’s too much to unpack right now). It felt weird to be congratulated for having the balls to be yourself, but if Hollywood needed to be seen doing that in order to feel like they were doing all they could for the minorities within then sure, you do you Hollywood. 

Before the break, the host had ended their first segment by showing another segment of Richie’s comedy special. Throughout the thirty or forty seconds, Richie has tried to make his mind go blank, but he could still hear the audio. 

_[Audience laughter]_

_“When I was single, I never understood why comedians always talk about their partners. I thought it was bullshit. [Richie laughs]. Yeah, I was pretty jaded. I was like the Grinch of Valentine’s Day; when the holiday rolled around I was all... [Richie does an impression of Jim Carrey’s Grinch]. ‘Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, double hate, loathe entirely’. [His voice goes back to normal]. Through my friends list on Facebook._

_[The audience laughs]._

_“But look at me now! I’m one of those assholes. And guys, it’s my turn. [Richie laughs]. I’ve got a disgusting amount of years to make up for. Okay, so my boyfriend - and yes we call each other boyfriend because we 80s gays didn’t get to have that cringy high school experience so we’re reclaiming it - he is the kind of person who will probably end up murdering me”._

_[There’s a second of shocked laughter]._

_“Exactly, I’m not joking though! He’s a risk inspector or whatever, and he’s probably to worst risk inspector in the world because he’s dating me. [Richie laughs and looks to his left]. “He’s shaking his head at me, but I’m sorry honey, you failed to assess his major choking hazard”. [Richie bursts out laughing and bring his hand up to cover his mouth]. “Yeah, I’m definitely going to die”_

_[The audience laughs and Richie waits five seconds before continuing]._

_“Anyway, I’ll cut him some slack, how could anyone resist this?”. [Richie gestures to himself dressed in a pair of jeans, and T-shirt, and a check collared shirt]._

The audio finishes and Richie takes a final sip of water from his branded mug, and prepares for the cameras to continue rolling. 

“Welcome back to the show”, Jimmy Fallon begins. “I know you’re pretty busy at the moment with doing interviews and travelling and all that”.

“Yeah, thanks man. I appreciate it”.

“I hear you’re just back from Australia, right?”.

Richie takes a breath, still wondering why interviewers asked questions they already know the answer to, (and had already been touched on in the previous segment). “Yeah, I did the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It was pretty good-”.

“You won right?”, Jimmy interjects.

“Hahaha, I guess you could say that”, Richie says and shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing. “No, I mean, yeah. I won most outstanding show”.

The audience cheers and Richie smiled to himself.

“Congratulations. Was it your first time in Australia?”.

Richie pushes his glasses up. “Um, no. I’d performed-”, Richie cuts himself off and laughs, “ahaha that makes me sound like an asshole – like what I do is some sort of artform” – he huffs out another laugh. “I mean I’d done a show there before like three or four years ago, but it was a pretty shitty… which I don’t really remember at all since I didn’t write it”. The audience laughs again, and so did Jimmy. “But yeah, very shocked and grateful. But mostly shocked.”

Jimmy laughs. “Haha what do you mean, man? Your routine’s great!”, he says quickly and then moved onto his question. “Anyway, before I ask you your next question, let me introduce out second guest for the evening. Ladies and gentlemen, acclaimed author, screen writer, and producer, Bill Denbrough!”. He turns to the main camera, “since we know these two were childhood friends, we had to get them on the same show”.

Richie smiles and watches as his friend makes his way across the stage, shake Jimmy’s hand, and sit down next to him.

“Hey man”, Bill says to Richie and touches his shoulder.

The crowd stops cheering and Richie finds himself looking in-between Jimmy and Bill. “Wow, this is fucking surreal”.

Bill gives him the I’m-disappointed eyes, and Jimmy laughs.

“So, you guys were childhood friends, right”, Jimmy asked open-endedly.

Bill takes the lead. “Yeah, we’ve been friends for a pretty long time now”.

“And how’s that?”, Jimmy asks, “both of you being successful. What’re the chances in that?”.

Richie laughs, and nudges Bill in the ribs. “Speak for yourself buddy. I’m still living in a shoebox-”.

“You are not-”.

“While this guy has mansions from coast to coast”.

Jimmy and the crowd laugh.

Richie remembers the text he got a couple of weeks ago from Bill, saying that his manager told him that they would both appear on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon together. At first, Richie couldn’t believe it – who in their right mind could ever think that that was a good idea? But then it had been Eddie who had explained that people loved the novelty and idea of celebrities being close friends with one another. Richie had thrown a cushion at Eddie from implying that Richie was a celebrity.

“Wait, wait, wait”, Richie interrupts, and produces the book he hid in the side of the couch during rehearsals. “Bill, would you be able to sign this for me?”.

Richie laughs along with the crowd and thrusts the book into Bill’s hands. It was one of his early ones; one that indeed had been criticised.

“Jesus Christ Rich”, Bill says while rolling his eyes.

Richie made sure he made eye contact with one of the cameras before saying: “make sure you sign it to Spaghetti Head. He loves your work”.

Funnily enough, Eddie actually likes Bill’s books. When they moved in with one another, the merging of their book shelves had been quite enlightening. While Richie’s books were mostly unread titles he’d gotten as gifts or bought and then never read, Eddie’s personal collection had been limited to around ten titles that had been read over and over and over again. Amongst it all was a book written by Bill, which depicted the main character’s love interest being their childhood best friend who disguised their flirting with annoying and bickering and lightly-bullying one another. 

Jimmy cut in: “Richie, have you read any of Bill’s books?”

“Um”, Richie hesitates, “no”.

The ever-laughing crowd laughed.

Jimmy laughed too.

“No?”, both Bill and Jimmy say. Richie turns to reply to Bill.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m illiterate. You know what it’s like, your sentences go on for miles and I just keep thinking of other things like what’s for dinner, or if my left eye actually looks like it’s permanently stoned. Plus, your descriptions of food and eating are so fucking boring”.

Richie catches Bill’s eye and winks – Bill knows that he’s read parts of the one that was retrospectively inspired by him and Eddie.

“When I’m eating a meal I never think about: ‘oh, I wonder where the beef from this patty is from?’, ‘I wonder if I can compare this ritualistic experience with something as completely mundane?’”. Richie stops and lets his mind catch up with his mouth. He hopes that what he’s saying isn’t getting too mean - especially for live television. “But I must say, the comedic yet nerdy but strangely attractive guy who always gets the love interest? He’s always my favourite”.

“Yeah, n-no, I get it”, Bill plays along, “you win one award in Australia and suddenly reading books are beneath you”.

There’s loud laughter from the crowd.

Richie is loving the direction this interview was going. “Yeah, sorry man”, he says using his ‘cool-guy’ voice.

Bill starts laughing again, and Richie is glad for it.

“Anyway, speaking of books”, Jimmy jumps in while looking at his notes card. “Bill, you tend to write a lot of coming-of-age horror books. While obviously your childhood wasn’t a horror story, were any of your stories based on your childhood?”.

Both Bill and Eddie look at one another with raised eyebrows. And isn’t that a loaded question; kudos to whoever in the writing room came up with that one, Richie thinks.

Richie is fully prepared to direct the question elsewhere but wants to give Bill the opportunity to answer first.

“I guess the bonds and relationships between the friends that I write are always somewhat based on it, but it’s not like specific events have ever inspired the plots of my books”, Bill answers. 

And wow, what an answer; Richie couldn’t have said it better, even if he was a publicist himself.

“And”, Bill continues, “Derry is sort of a drag”.

“Yeah”, Richie pipes in. “It’s a sloppy-ass town”, he says and immediately cracks himself up.

***

MAY

Walk on stage, sit on white square seat. Richie smooths down the crease on the bottom of his T-shirt. He’d gone for a casual look – steering clear of the infamous plaid button downs that had been publicly shamed, and put into exile for the time being. 

He looks up and catches the eye of the host, who is smiling at him. 

“Hello”, he says.

“Hi Richie”, says Ellen DeGeneres. 

He laughs a little. “Hi”.

“Now”, starts Ellen, “I heard from my producer that your boyfriend has an Instagram account dedicated to taking pictures of carpet. Is that so?”.

“Oh my god”, Richie laughs, while there’s a small amount of laughter from the crowd. “Yeah, he does that - it’s pretty cute, right?”. He shakes his head a little and rubs at his mouth. “Also, not to cause too much alarm, but he’s my fiancé now”, the cheesy smile he was trying to hide takes over his face. 

Ellen smiles too. Of course, Richie had already told her before, before the show had started. And, Ellen has already given her congratulations to both Richie and Eddie - the latter is watching the show from the green room. 

“Wow”, Ellen exclaims, “congratulations to you both!”. The audience claps, and Ellen waits a beat before continuing, “he’s here with us today, right?”.

“Yeah ahahaha”, Richie laughs. He imagines the camera showing Eddie’s face and how horrified he would be. Luckily for Eddie, nothing of the sort was going to happen. “I’m sorry internet, but I’m going to have to break up with all of you”. 

There’s a miniscule laugh from the crowd. 

“Anyway”, Ellen directs, “this Instagram. Please tell me more about it”.

Richie looks at himself on one of the monitors behind the camera in front of him and sees the background change to show a screenshot of Eddie’s carpet Instagram. The profile picture is an ugly selfie of the both of them, taken from the worst angle possible - by holding the phone at almost crotch level and angling it up. Both of their heads are pressed together, and they’re making horrific faces. It’s the best photo ever. 

More photos start to slideshow through; most of them are from airports, and hotel rooms, but Richie let’s out a laugh as one from the Ellen dressing room freezes screen – the carpet is blue with tiny white details of ‘Ellen’ placed at all angles.

“Well”, Richie starts, still laughing at how incredibly dorky his fiancé is. “My fiancé travels a lot for work, and he’s found a hobby within taking photos of interesting carpet”.

“Oh”, Ellen plays along, “is it only the carpet he finds interesting? Is there a criteria rubric?”.

For millisecond Richie questions that too, of course Eddie would be the type of person to devise a criteria rubric concerning whether or not the carpet is even worthy of being documented. He laughs, a note of fear in his voice. “Oh my God, I hope not”.

The crowd laughs along, but in a quiet way. 

“Have you ever made a feature on the Instagram page?”, Ellen prompts. 

“Haha yes I have, much to his infuriation”. Richie watches the monitor as the screen behind him changes to one a photo on an impressive and details carpet. In the corner, the tip of Richie’s shoe ruins the shot.

Ellen laughs. “Oh wow, he must have loved that”.

“Yeah, yeah”, Richie says. “He’s like ‘Oh my God Rich, please position your foot right on the edge of my perfect shot’”, Richie does his Eddie voice which has been criticised as not sounding like Eddie at all. 

“Of course, of course”, Ellen agrees. 

Richie smiles and reaches for the glass of water on the table to his left. As he looks down at the glass in his hand, he hears a couple of people in the crowd start of whisper. Ignoring it, he goes to take a sip and-.

“ARRRRRGGGG!”. 

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!”.

The water in his glass spills onto his lap. He whips his head around to look behind him.

He screams again. “AHHHHH, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”. Behind him is one of Ellen’s assistants dressed up as a lumberjack.

The crowd is laughing moderately, and Ellen is quietly laughing and wiping tears away from her eyes.

Ellen tries to gain her composure. “Your-”, she laughs. “I was speaking to your fiancé and asked him if you’re afraid of anything, and he said lumberjacks”. Ellen laughs again and wipes at her eyes again. “What’s ahaha, what’s the story behind that?”.

“Oh wow”, Richie is still trying to calm his heart rate down and position his lap so it doesn’t look like he pissed himself on live television. “Um, how much time have we got?”, he jokes but not really. 

The audience laughs at his joke, and Richie can’t believe his life. 

He continues, “well, okay so I grew up in this town called Derry in Maine”. There are one or two cheers from the audience. “Hahaha hell yeah”, Richie exclaims, “there are Derry's only residents. But yeah, in the town centre there was - and actually still is - this giant statue of Paul Bunyan, you know the guy”. 

The monitor shows that behind him, the Ellen techs have put a picture as an example. “Yeah, ahaha, that motherfucker. When I was a kid, that statue would terrify me”.

“And how old would you say you were?”.

Richie laughs, and dedicates a fuck you to Eddie. “Um, like fourteen”.

“Fair enough”, says Ellen. “Just looking at it now, it's pretty scary”. 

Richie is still looking at the image, and he suppresses a shudder. He also makes a mental note to organise another therapy session because he’s still definitely not over Paul Bunyan and all the teenage trauma that lay beneath his unbuttoned check shirt. “Yeah, the raw essence of masculinity shook fourteen-year-old Richie right to the core”.

The crowd laughs politely, and Richie reminds himself that the audience is predominantly full of middle-class white women who probably abuse minimum-wage workers for fun. 

“Wow, that’s a lot”, says Ellen. 

Richie can’t help but agree. 

***

JUNE

When Richie’s manager told him that Netflix wanted him to be in an episode of a series on their YouTube channel, Richie asked how much he’d earn from it. When his manager told him to shut the fuck up and actually explained what would happen, Richie asked if he’d be able to keep the clothes. 

Luckily for Richie, he didn’t need to be flown out to New York for the shoot; all he needed to do was show up where he needed to be and wait as the crew set everything up.

An hour of scrolling through Twitter and checking his email later, he is standing in front of a camera as Tan France says: “I’m gonna push their style game so hard. Wanna watch?”.

“Um, hi. I’m Richie Tozier and I’m ready for my long-awaited wardrobe make-over”. 

Tan had an amused look in his eye. “I’m Tan France, this is Dressing Funny, and I am honoured to relieve humanity of the horror that is Richie Tozier’s wardrobe”.

“Wow, okay”, Richie says, and the director yelled for the cameras to cut. 

The camera introduction was over, and Richie turns to Tan as the other man begins speaking. “Do you mind if I refer to you as Richie Tozier, or would you prefer just Richie or Rich or-”.

“The full name is fine”, Richie laughs. “It’s sorta the brand now”.

Tan hums in agreement.

Then, Tan and Richie set up for the next shot, and the cameras started rolling again.

“Thank you so much for joining me. I’m actually very excited”, Tan says.

“Yeah, thanks man”, says Richie, “I’m curious to see what happens”. 

Tan pauses for a moment and tilts his head, “now I can’t say that you dress wonderfully-”.

Richie bursts out laughing.

“- but it’s not the worst. Today I’m hoping to bring in some new items to your wardrobe, and... take some things away”, continues Tan. “But first, I want to see what sorts of things you’re drawn to when you go shopping”.

Richie furrows his forehead.

Tan kept going, “so, we’re gonna take around fifteen minutes, and you’re gonna walk around, do some laps around the place, whatever-”.

“I’m just going to fondle some clothes?”, Richie asks.

“Yes”, Tan claps his hands together, “let’s do this”.

The camera cuts again, and the director speaks to the camera people, Richie, and Tan: “Okay guys, get to your spots. Richie, make your way to the other side of the store. Tan, you follow him. Wait for my call…”. Everyone gets into position, “and action!”.

“Um, okay”, Richie says to himself as he walks along one of the clothing racks. There is a lot of beige and navy. He stops and looks at Tan. “This is literally my fiancé’s wardrobe”. 

Tan raises his eyebrows. “Oh really? Could you see yourself dressing like him?”.

Richie gives himself a second to visualise it. “If he wanted to fuck his clone, I don’t think he would have ended up with me”.

Tan lets out a surprised sound of laughter, “that is one of the best responses I’ve ever heard. I’m trying to picture him, but I can’t. What does he look like?”.

Richie takes a second to look around - the director isn’t saying for them to stop what they’re doing so he digs his phone out of his pocket and goes onto Eddie’s private Instagram. “Here”, he passes his phone to Tan’s outstretched hand.

“Oh my goodness, he’s so handsome”, Tan exclaims as he starts scrolling through his feed. “He’s so much shorter than you! And, are those tattoos?”. Tan looks at Richie’s phone screen, to Richie, and then back again. “You two kinda perfect together”.

The thought of Eddie’s reaction to Tan France reacting to them like that makes him laugh. “He’s a total hottie, right? Makes a guy wonder, huh?”.

Tan walks to stand on Richie’s right. “Oh my God, shut up”, he says as he hits Richie’s chest with the back of his hand. “You’re very attractive too. Do you have any tattoos?”.

“Um, no, but college me did try and piece his nipples with a sewing needle”.

Tan’s jaw drops, and Richie can see his manager’s head jerk up from behind the cameras. “You’re too much”, Tan exclaims, but while still laughing. “Okay, what about over here?”. Back to business.

The two of them walk over to a rack that has more muted greys and charcoal, with the occasional army green. “Thoughts?”, Tan asks.

“I’m not reminded of my fiancé”. 

“That’s good, that’s good”. Tan says as he stands to the side and encourages Richie to look through the rack. “Now, I’m going to say something honest”.

“Oh wow”, Richie says.

“You must be the straightest looking gay man that I know”.

Richie nods, “Yeah”.

Tan hums. “What’s the story behind this?”, he gestures to Richie’s black jeans, graphic shirt, and unbuttoned flannel.

“Is it really that bad?”.

“Well…”, Tan starts, “not exactly. But I’m getting more college, self-pierced nipples Richie Tozier, than critically acclaimed comedy special Richie Tozier”.

Richie makes a face as he thinks about that. “Yeah, I can see what you mean”. 

“Well, that’s great! Now we can take the next step”. Tan gestures to the rack. “Is there anything there that you like?”.

Richie spends a couple of seconds looking at the collection of monochromatic clothing in front of him without actually seeing anything - it all just blending together. He shakes his head to clear it and picks up the first item he can differentiate from the rest of everything. It’s a pair of dark grey trousers. “This?”.

Tan hums, “I can work with that”.

“Cut”, the director yells out, startling Richie. “Okay, onto the next section”. 

An assistant comes and takes the pair of trousers from Richie’s hand; Tan looks around the shop doing this fashion thing or whatever.

Next, Richie and Tan are set up in front of the athleisure section; the camera’s rolling.

“Now, Richie Tozier, have you ever seen yourself in a full tracksuit?”. 

Richie squints to inspect how tight the legs of the tracksuit pants appear to be on the mannequin. “Can’t say that I have”.

Tan nods. “Can I ask, how old are you?”.

Richie takes a moment to remember. “I’m like forty”.

“Oh, okay”. 

“Okay?”. 

“I actually thought you were a little younger. I’m thirty-six myself”, Tan says, pressing his hand to his chest.

“Oh, wow…”, Richie says. “It must be the hair”.

“I must say, you do have fantastic hair”, Tan says. “Do you dye it?”.

Richie laughs, “uh, no, I don’t. I feel like I should ask if I should”. 

Tan smirks, “I don’t think so. Even if you did have grey spots, I wouldn’t tell you to dye it. Grey hair is actually in at the moment - have you seen Richard Madden’s hair?”. 

In his head, Richie tried to both remember who Richard Madden is, and to see if he knows what hairstyle Tan is referring to. “Yes”, he says, widening his eyes. “I too followed the Met Gala this year”. 

Tan laughs. “Back to the tracksuit though. What about your fiancé? Could you see him in a tracksuit?”.

Richie laughs. “As much as I would love to see that, he’s the most unrelaxed person in the world, I don’t think it would go with the vibe”. He gestures to the mannequin: the backwards red snapback, the half-zipped bomber, the low hanging pants. “However, this”, he fondles with the cross-body fanny pack, “is perfect”.

“Really?”.

“Yeah, ahaha, I can safely say that my fiancé pioneered the trend when he wore the same fanny pack for a whole year”. Richie makes eye contact with the camera. “This was back in the eighties though”.

“That’s amazing, but we’re shopping for you!”, Tan exclaims. “How about I just bring you stuff, and you try them on?”.

“Yeah, that sounds great”.

The camera cuts, and the assistants come over to speak with Tan France. “Richie Tozier, I will meet you in the change room”, he says, before speaking rapidly to those surrounding him and delegating them to different areas of the store. 

Ten minutes later, Richie is standing in front of a giant rack of clothing with the cameras rolling.

“Holy shit that’s a lot of clothes”, he says.

“Okay, firstly, I saw your comedy special on Netflix, and I want to kill your stylist. Wait, do you even have a stylist?”, says Tan.

“Uh, no. No stylist”.

Tam gives Richie a death glare for a second before moving on. “Okay well, we’re going to get you one because you need different clothes to match your new stage presence”.

“Ah, yes. A sophisticated gay”.

“Yes! Exactly!”. Tan turns to the camera. “See Tumblr, he’s learning”.

Richie bursts out laughing. “Oh my God, we’re both too old to be saying that shit out loud”.

Tan laughs. “Anyway, I’ve chosen these”, and he takes a dark pair of jeans, a jean button up, and a black turtleneck. “Thoughts?”.

“I’m going to look like the high school teacher I bullied in high school”.

Tan’s jaw drops, “Oh my God, that’s horrible!”.

“Yeah, well”, Richie shrugs. 

“Anyway”, Tan says again, “I’ve also chosen this”. He takes out a brown suede jacket and a white T-shirt. “These two, with the jeans you’ve got on will look much better, and, like you said, more sophisticated, than your graphic tee and flannel”. 

Richie hums, “sure”.

“Finally, this combination is more of a midway in between the two outfits we’ve got already. Like, you could wear this in your everyday life and not look like someone who’s trying to hold onto their youth”. Tan hands him the pair of trousers he picked up before, along with a lighter grey button down, and a white pair of Adidas sneakers.

“That’s something my fiancé would say”.

“Your fiancé is right! Why is he marrying you? He should be marrying me”, Tan jokes. “Alright, go away and try these on”.

Richie gets changed into the jeans, jean-button up, and black turtle-neck. 

“Oh my goodness, you look fantastic”, Tan exclaims.

Richie walks over to the mirror and inspects himself. “Huh”. 

“Do you love it?”, Tan asks.

“It’s different”.

“You look hot!”.

Richie spends a few seconds looking at himself some more and laughs. “Maybe I wouldn’t bully my teacher if he looked like this. Instead I’d act up and see if he’d ask to keep me back after class”.

Tan erupts into laughter, and Richie laughs at his own joke. 

“The confidence! I love this new Richie Tozier”.

Next, Richie gets changed into the trousers, grey button down, and struggles as he tries to quickly put on the white sneakers. 

“Wow!”, Tan takes his arm and leads him over to the mirror. “What do you think?”.

“I sorta want to punch myself in the face, but I look sexy”. Richie turns to face Tan. “How did you do this?”.

Tan laughs and shrugs. “Talent, I guess”.

Richie continues to look at himself in the mirror.

“Can I ask, have you ever considered wearing contact lenses?”.

Richie meets Tan’s eye in the mirror “Uh, no I haven’t”. 

“Take off your glasses, I want to see”.

Richie does as he asks. And he can’t see anything.

“Oh my goodness, you look like an entirely different person! I take back what I says, I want to marry you”. 

Richie laughs, but actually feels good about himself. “Wow, uh, thanks”.

“You really can’t see anything, can you?”.

“Nope, not at all”.

“Put them back on and go and change into your last outfit”. 

Again, Richie does as Tan says. He stands in front of the mirror – with his glasses back on. Whoever chose the brown suede jacket somehow knew that it would look good with his colouring, and that Richie would like how it looks oh himself.

“I look fuckable”.

Tan laughs, “this is seriously one of the best days of my life. I can’t believe the difference. I love that you genuinely have a smile on your face; it makes me really happy”. 

“Seriously man, thank you”

“You look your age but also young at the same time. You look sophisticated, you know, put together”.

“Not unhinged”. 

“Not unhinged, exactly!”.

Richie turns and looked at himself in the mirror some more. “If I go home in this, I’m getting railed tonight”.

“CUT!”

That was basically the end of it. They did the outros, and Tan France exclaimed: “Girls and gays, may I introduce the fuckable Richie Tozier!”, which sort of made Richie want to die.

When the camera are being put away, Tan gives him the contacts of personal stylists, and writes down the items Richie was styled with so they can be ordered for him. 

“Now go and get railed by your beautiful fiancé”, Tan says with a wink.

And that was that.

***

AUGUST

Richie doesn’t know why he’s the last guest to be called out - that sort of implies that he’s the most important which definitely would, should, and could never happen in any timeline ever. However, that’s what is happening.

It’s awful, sitting in the greenroom, alone. Like back home in the States, the green room has that little television which shows what's happening on the main stage – mostly only from the main camera’s perspective. The show has been running for almost half an hour by now, and Richie wishes he was one of the first guests, already sitting on the couch, instead of having to walk out and have all this attention placed on him.

Almost like he made it happen by just thinking about it, an assistant informs him that it is his turn to make his entrance. With a fortifying breath, Richie downs the rest of his wine, and longs for the one waiting for him on stage.

The transition from darkness to bright blinding light, to a trippy midway where he can’t see the audience, but the stage is burning his retinas is one that is coming too familiar for comfort. He tries to tune out the cheers of the crowd - if that makes him an asshole then so be it - as he walks towards the big, blood orange couch. The other guests are already standing up and are prepared to welcome him. 

Jesus fucking Christ, he thinks to himself. These guests are actual celebrities.

The first face he sees when coming out the disorientating flashes of light and dark is the host. 

“Please, take a seat over here”, says Graham Norton, leading him to where he is meant to be. “That’s Harry Styles, Sebastian Stan, and Natalie Portman”, he says.

Richie laughs to himself as he figures that guests in the past probably get confused and don’t know who the hell they share a couch with.

Graham leaves him to go and sit on his host chair, and Richie shakes hands with Harry Styles, Sebastian Stan, and Natalie Portman.

“Thank you, thank you”, Graham says over the crowd, “sit please, sit”.

Richie does so, and the interview starts.

“Hello, hello”, Graham says pleasantly. “Now, do you know people on the couch? Do you know Natalie Portman, or Sebastian-”.

“Uh, I know that I’m definitely not famous or good looking enough to be sitting on this couch”.

The crowd laughs.

“Have you met anyone here before?”.

Richie makes eye contact with the three of them and wants to die.

“I know of Richie”, says Harry, “we have a mutual friend”. 

Richie blinks and his mind blanks. “Uh, we do?”.

The crowd and everyone on the couch laugh.

“Yeah, erm, Beverly Marsh. She’s one of the fashion designers I work with”.

There’s a cheer from the audience and Richie feels pride for one of his oldest friends. “Wow, I’m such a shitty friend that I didn’t even know that”.

There’s more laughter.

“Now we’ve all met”, says Natalie Portman, and Richie can’t believe that that’s something that he’s even experienced.

“Now, er”, says Graham, “just before you came on Richie, we were talking about all of our upcoming movies or albums. For example, both Natalie and Sebastian a movie coming up; Harry Styles of course is close to releasing his second album-”.

The crowd goes wild. Richie hears a lot of female screams.

“And you”, Graham continues, “you’ve been nominated for an Emmy, and are performing at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe next week”.

Richie laughs and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, ahaha, it’s all very exciting”.

“What’s the nomination”, Graham asks, before grabbing the cue card in front of him. “Oh, it’s here. Richie Tozier has been nominated for an Emmy in the Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special category”.

The crowd cheers and claps, and Richie is gagged. 

The other guests on the couch clap too, and Richie hears Sebastian Stan say a sincre: “congratulations”. 

“Now Richie, I was just wondering, what was your reaction to getting a nomination. Were there any celebrations?”, Graham asks deviously.

“Oh, God”, Richie moans, “it’s the Instagram thing, isn’t it?”.

And Richie watches as the small screen behind Graham’s right shoulder changes to show the damned Instagram video that Eddie posted onto Richie’s Story.

_[The camera shows a closed door and the sound of footsteps approaching. There are giggles in the background, which are followed by a long ‘shhhhhhh’. The door opens and Richie is standing in the doorway]._

_“Uh Eddie, are you home?”._

_[There is a beat of silence and then-]._

_“CONGRATULATIONS!”._

_“AHHHHHH! BACK OFF YOU BITCH!”._

_[The lights are turned on and Richie is shown covering his mouth with both hands. There is laughter]._

_“You are the fucking worst”. [He is talking directly to the person recording on the phone]._

_“Did you hear?”._

_“Did I hear what? Ew, why are you filming me?”._

_“Your nomination”._

_[Silence]._

_“You’re joking, no fucking way”. [Richie walks closer to the person recording]. “Come here”._

_[The video is shaky, but the shot pauses on Richie’s face. He is looking at the camera with a loving expression in his eyes]._

The crowd awws. 

“Isn’t that nice”, Graham says, “I assume that was your fiancé filming it?”.

“Yeah, I love coming home to being scared shitless by the love of my life”.

Next to him, the other guests are laughing too.

“Who was there to celebrate with you?”, asks Graham.

Richie laughs, “Haha, well yeah, my fiancé organised it. And my famous fashion designer friend, Beverly Marsh, and her husband Ben were there too”.

“Lovely people”, says Harry.

“Yeah, lovely people who want me to have a heart attack”, says Richie.

The crowd laughs loudly.

Graham laughs too. “Erm, anyway”, he starts, “you’ve had an extraordinary year so far”.

“I have, I have”, Richie agrees.

“How does one get a Netflix special?”, Graham asks. “It seems like everyone has one nowadays”. 

Richie laughs. “Yeah, well, they saw me struggling on the street and they just handed me one because I wouldn’t stop harassing the workers going in and out for spare change”.

The crowd laughs loudly again.

“But, yeah, seriously. It’s fucking insane. I can’t believe it myself”.

The crowd cheers.

“Er, anyway, here’s the question: what’s next? It seems like you’ve done everything”.

“Wow, that’s the sort of question that keeps me up at night, Graham”. 

“It’s just the beginning”, interjects Natalie. “I can’t wait for the next comedy special”, she says with a kind smile. 

The other guests on the couch nod and Richie still can’t believe his life.

***

SEPTEMBER

_[A prerecorded voice voice]. “Our next award is for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special. Here are the nominees...”. [On the screen, audio from the various variety specials play, accompanied by the nominee’s name]._

_[The text says ‘Carpool Karaoke: When Corden Met McCartney Live from Liverpool’. The clip plays]. “Hey mate, I’m in Liverpool, and I’m wondering if you can help? Yeah, I need somebody… not just any anybody. Can you please, please, help me?”. [The audience claps]. _

_[The next text says ‘Hannah Cadsby: Nanette’. The clip plays]. “I get mistaken for a man quite a lot, quite a lot. But not for long. My masculinity doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. I’m only a man at a glance. Which means it happens in a customer service situation, usually”. [There is a loud applause from the audience]._

_[The third text says ‘Homecoming: A Film by Beyoncé’. The clip plays while many from the audience are already applauding. Instead of dialogue, it is a montage of quick drumbeats and short clips from Beyoncé’s film. Many clap along to the beat]. _

_[The fourth text says ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal’. A clip plays]. “Like, I’m learning things from my fam. I’m learning how to play. Oh, ‘cause black people don’t play. We don’t play. Some of the first things that we were taught as a kid, right?”. [The audience’s laughter and cheers mix in with the laughter on the pre-recorded clip]._

_[And finally, the final text says ‘Richie Tozier: Funnyman’. The clip plays]. “So I’m standing there, looking at this group of people I haven’t seen for like twenty years, and I think to myself: ‘why the fuck is everyone way more attractive than me?’. I mean, I guess when you look like this it’s a given. But it’s not fair that everyone else looks like they’ve come straight from Hollywood, and I look like I should have a career in IT’”. [The audience claps and there are spots of laughter]._

_[The pre-recorded voice returns]. “To present the for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special, please welcome Emilia Clarke”. [There is a large applause]._

_“Good evening. I am honoured to be presenting this award. I have watched and adore each of these variety specials. They made a laugh; they made me cry; they made me realise just how hardworking Beyoncé’ is. Yes queen!”. [Laughter]. “But most and they made me appreciate that when there is inequality are injustice in the world, it is when we come together and spread joy and entertainment, that the world becomes a better place. And the award for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special goes to...”._

_[The presenter opens the envelope]. _

_“Richie Tozier: Funnyman”._

_[The crowd applauds. The camera cuts to Richie’s reaction; he is surprised. The man next to him places his hand on Richie’s knee, and whispers something into his ear. Both of the men stand up. Richie goes to walk to the stage, but stops, and walks back two steps. He kisses the man next to him, and then takes the stage]._

_“Uhhhghughrmmm”. [Richie laughs into the microphone]. “I really didn’t think this was going to happen. My fiancé told me to prepare a speech and I didn’t. And now he feels vindicated and will probably make fun of me for the rest of my life”._

_[There’s laughter from the audience]._

_“Uh, okay so, about three years ago my life was turned completely upside down. I, um, reunited with the people I grew up with in this shitty town in Maine, and things really changed. Like, things had obviously changed there, but we all had changed and forgotten about a lot of things and uh, yeah”._

_[The camera cuts to the man who was sitting with Richie; he is smiling]._

_“Apparently I had forgotten about my huge childhood crush on my best friend, but now we’re getting married”. _

_[The crowd claps]. _

_“Ahaha thank you, thank you. Right, so obviously I’ve got to thank my manager, and for the people at Netflix for giving me a chance”._

_[There’s a beat of silence]._

_“Yeah um, I’d also like to thank my friends. When we were younger, we called ourselves the Losers Club, but I guess I’ve moved on to make my own Winners Club. So suck it, assholes!”. _

_[There’s laughter]. _

_“Um, yeah. But seriously, I am really thankful for the second chance that I've been given. The person I was three years ago couldn't have imagined a comeback like this. Back then, I wasn't happy with the content I was doing, and I-I wasn't being honest with myself. I remember I would lay awake at night thinking 'what am I going to do?', because comedy wasn't bringing me any joy - and if the critiques from back then are still valid - my old stuff wasn't really bringing anyone else any joy. But now, I have the support, and the management, and the platform, and the life of my dreams. And I'm really fucking happy. So yeah, thank you... thanks". _

_[He waves goodbye and walks backstage]._

***

OCTOBER

Richie is sitting next to Conan O'Brien. 

Richie’s done enough televised interviews this year to breeze through the pre-show antics.

“It’s been a while”, starts Conan.

Richie nods. “Yeah, it has. Like what? A few years?”.

Conan nods. “I have to say, you look very nice tonight”.

Richie laughs and rubs at the back of neck. “Ah, thank you. It’s… a change”.

“Now was this your decision or..”, Conan prompts.

“Surprisingly no”, Richie says. “I was bullied by the internet, Tan France, and the love of my life”. 

The audience and Conan laugh.

“Oh yeah, I saw that thing you did with Tan France. Did you get to keep the clothes?”.

Richie laughs again. “Man, everyone asks me that. Hahaha, but no, I didn’t”.

“Then”, Conan gestures to Richie, “why don’t you look homeless anymore?”.

There is an eruption of laughter by everyone.

“Not sure if you know what this is, but I got a stylist, Conan”, Richie says without missing a beat.

There is even more laughter.

Conan continues the interview. “Now, A lot has changed since you’ve last been on the show”. He lists his fingers. “You got a Netflix special; you came out; you’re getting married soon; you’ve changed your style; and you’ve won an Emmy”. Conan pauses to laugh, “and yet, you’re still the least successful out of your childhood friendship group”.

“Wow”, Richie says. “Someone’s done their research”.

“Yeah, yeah, my writers”, Conan jokes. “Not me”. 

Richie settles back and tilts his head, prepared for the rest of the joke.

As predicted, Conan continues. “Let’s go through the list; and we’ve also got photos to go with it”.

“Oh, fuck”, Richie says under his breath, but the audience hears him and laughs.

“Firstly, you’re somehow friends with the most famous writer in the world: Bill Denbrough”. His yearbook image is the one from 1989. Some people in the crowd cheer loudly.

“Wow, you’ve got some literate viewers”, says Richie. He also thinks that he is going to kill Eddie when he gets home, because he knows that Eddie would pull this type of shit.

Conan laughs. “Then, there’s Beverly Marsh who’s a famous fashion designer, who works with people like Harry Styles”. Her 1989 yearbook image pops up, and some more people in the crowd cheer. “And, is it true? That you didn’t know that she was a fashion designer?”. 

“Uh… no”, Richie says while deliberately not looking Conan in the eyes.

“Is that a no ‘no’, or a yes ‘no’”, Conan asks while shaking his head.

Richie narrows his eyes. “... no”. The laughter of the crowd makes Richie laugh.

Conan jokes, “you really are a shitty friend”. The laughter continues. “Anyway, then there’s Ben Hanscom who’s an architect, who designs literal buildings”. Ben’s yearbook picture pops up; the crowd awws. “And before we move onto the next successful friend. My secret source who provided me with these images told be to also include a current photo of Ben”. The screen changes to show grown-up Ben. Some people in the crowd cat-call.

Richie grabs the glass of water to his left. “This is doing wonders for my confidence, Conan”. He takes a sip.

Conan laughs. “Then there’s Mike, who is a librarian and historian”. His old yearbook picture pops up and the crowd awws too. Conan takes a break from reading from his cue card. “Now, I have to say this, but you had a lot of friends. Didn’t you say your were a loser at school?”.

The crowd laughs.

“Yeah, a Loser. A Loser who had a lot of loser friends”, Richie plays along. 

“Maybe there’s a hierarchy of losers”, Conan says. “I was just a loser with no friends”.

Everyone laughs.

“Okay, getting back to it”, and Conan starts. “There’s Stanley, who is an accountant”. Richie sees Stan’s image come up and makes a mental note to call him and organise to catch up soon. “And finally, your fiancé...”. 

The crowd goes wild and Richie is scared.

“...Eddie, who I’ve met, and I must say…”, Conan draws the silence out for a moment. “He’s funnier than you”. 

Richie slaps his knee and laughs. “Oh my God, I’m not going to hear the end of this”.

Conan continues, “he is a risk analyst”. The screen changes to show Eddie’s yearbook photo. In the photo, Eddie young-Eddie has his signature irritated face - which grown-up Eddie is also known for.

“When you say ‘Richie Tozier, comedian’, are you aware of how lame that sounds compared to the rest of your friends?”. Richie’s image pops up and he tries not to cringe. 

“If I didn't think about that every day of my life, I would almost ask you to elaborate”.

There’s laughter.

“Anyway”, Richie says with a smirk. “I have to say that there needs to be a correction”.

Conan hums, “oh, really?”.

“Yeah, Eddie’s now my husband”, Richie says casually.

Conan’s jaw drops and his eyebrows go up. “Wow, we didn’t know that. Does anyone know that?”, he asks while looking around.

“Um, yeah, me”, Richie says with a big smile.

The crowd is still cheering.

Conan gains his composure back. “Wow, congratulations. You sure are lucky”. Conan looks back down at his notes. “Anyway, I did want to properly congratulate you on your Emmy win…”.

“Thank you, thank you”, Richie is still smiling.

“I think in your speech, you said that you weren’t expecting it”, Conan prompts.

“No, not at all. I still don’t believe it. I was up against Beyoncé, okay. I’m still expecting a phone call from the academy saying that there’s been a mistake”.

“Now what did you do after you won? How do you finish the night?”.

Richie drops the smile and instead smirks. “Uh, do you want the truth?”.

“It depends-”, Conan starts.

“I cried”.

“Oh wow”, Conan says. The audience laughs.

“No, just kidding”, Richie says. “I went home, and then cried”. He laughs at the image in his head. “Could you imagine if after I finished my speech I just burst into tears? That could have happened, I don’t remember that much of it”.

Conan is laughing. “Oh my God, and here I thought you were going to say-”, he stops. “Actually, my producers are yelling at me to stop talking right now”. He turns to Richie and shakes his head at him, and then turns to the main camera.

“We’ll be right back, after the break”.

_END_

**Author's Note:**

> Ahahahaha, wow,,, this was just me hopping on the bandwagon and having the time of my LIFE.
> 
> Do you know how funny it is to write about celebrities in a non-fiction way??? eye- BAHAHAHHA
> 
> ***
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed, leave a kudos/comment!


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